lonely child

I didn’t even know how to start this off. I rewrote this first part about 12 times. I wasn’t even sure what id talk about or share, but fuck it here it goes. I wanna say my dad started becoming an absent parent around the age of six or seven. I don’t recall him doing that much for me before, hell neither can he. I remember spending time over my grandmother’s house with him a lot. DAMN I MISS HER. I remember my sister and a few of my cousins being there as well. That was low key the hang out spot lol. Then came the days where I waited and waited for him to come like he said but he never came. I remember my brother teasing me saying ” I don’t know what you’re waiting for he’s not coming”. My brother was just being brutality honest and I should have listened. My mother never wanted to take that little hope I had away from me, she knew one day id realize it on my own. Eww why am I crying right now ughhh. Cause this some real shit! Some Real Pain!

Ard I’m back! But for real I love my mom for never speaking negative about my dad around me! She knew one day I would see who he really was. Thing is my dad was actually an okay dad up until my grandmother passed away. That took a huge toll on him which I can understand, but that didn’t make up for him not being there period. What bothered me the most about my dad was that he lived one door away from my best friend with his new family and all he’s every giving me was broken promises and lies.  I’ll admit after a while I didn’t even bother to go over there, I didn’t even want him to see me. I was his oldest child which is a story within itself and yet he acted like I didn’t exist. He acted like none of us existed. How TF can you carry on with your everyday fucking life knowing YOU have kids you don’t check up on? YOU MADE US NIGGA! We didn’t ask to fucking be here. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, how many of those did you fucking miss? I remember being on the phone with my dad and he didn’t even know what my middle name was. Fucking Pathetic. (HINT TITLE) I get it not everybody that has a child is supposed to be a parent, but if you gone leave don’t come tf back. All that in and out shit is dead. I remember him begging to come see me off to prom and graduation and I straight up said NOPE! That was low key my revenge because I knew he wanted to come so bad. Fuck that I wanted a phone call I would only get months and a year at a time. My mom felt bad for him! She tried to tell me to let him come. MOM SHOW YOUR LOYALTY! I still can’t believe her. He begged me to come and my first and final answer was still NO. Why should you get to see me graduate? Why should you get to see me off to prom? In my eyes that was a privilege, one that he was not about to get from me. Years later I wished I would have let him come to see how fucking far I made it without him. It never really bothered me until it did. Seeing other people with their dads, wondering if he’d call, wondering if id see him this month or that month. The calls just never came shrugsss. Who was supposed to teach me how a man should treat a women? Shit I doubt he even knew. Who was supposed to protect me? My brother. Who was supposed to teach me basic things in life? My mom did an amazing job with that. I think it is disgusting to continue to have kids and not take care of the previous ones. How fucking dareeeeeee. I think its worst to be an inconsistent parent rather than a non-existent parent. One day I see you the next day I don’t, the next you calling me for a week straight then not until next year. At least a non existent parent is never there.  I know some might disagree with that, but me personally I would have rather had a non existent parent. It just does too much mental damage and over thinking. Just like that saying goes my father broke my heart long before anyone else had the chance. YOU FORGOT TO BE THERE. I really use to be sad all the time over it until one day we had a huge face to face argument and that was IT. I said everything I wanted to say all these years and he had the audacity to tell me” you don’t have to worry about ever hearing from me again”. I said I don’t hear from you now lol tf was that supposed to hurt my feeling. I remember getting nasty voice messages and text messages that I can laugh at now. This guy had the nerve to say my mom should have beat me lol boyyyyy if you don’t get tf out my face! I wasn’t even a bad kid honestly I just had a smart mouth. What teenager doesn’t? It got to the point where I knew I needed to accept him for who he was and not who he was SUPPOSE to be.

I had to accept him as an absent parent in order to move on peacefully in my own life. I had to stop looking at potential and let reality set in. I can say he always accepted me for who I was I think lol I don’t give a fuck now. Fast-forward  I’m 23 now I finally have a relationship with my brother and sister which we had to create! He never even introduced us to all of his kids. I found out as an adult that he denied me as his own flesh lol even went to the extent of getting fake docs to prove I wasn’t his kid lol. Thanks grand mom for telling the truth. I wonder if my mom  knows that story? I’m about to call and ask her. This mannnnn had the audacity to deny me but wanted to be in my life bad as hell. Get TF outta here.

I have a few stories I could tell but how he was made me who I am. Made me look at people a lot closer. It made me forgive people even when it was painful to do so. His absence taught me to accept people for who they are. His absence showed me my mom did an amazing job I mean I did graduate high school and college without his help. He knew better than to ask me to come to my college graduation. NO! Damn dad look how far I made it without you. Life is full of lessons that you have to learn from in your own way. I thank this man for the lessons I learned from his inconsistent ass. The worst thing this taught me was abandonment, I will leave someone before they leave me so that it can hurt a lot less. Hint I’ve ended a lot of relationships and situations I was in fearing they would leave me first. I’m still working on that one……….. Anybody facing anything similar or have any hate towards a parent, let that hurt go! Life is short! Forgive and don’t let it over power you. Accept them for who they are and use that energy to push yourself pass your limits and become who you are destined to be!

“The biggest lesson I have learned in life about my anger towards my father is: the more anger towards the past that I carry in my heart, the less capable I am of loving in my present.

DEAR MAMA YOU ARE APPRECIATED!

85% of children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes.

43% of US children live without their father.

71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.

71% of pregnant teens have no dad present in their lives.

2 thoughts on “My Middle Name Is Sha’Vonne DAD

  1. I know that this was a very touching topic for you and I want to thank you for sharing this with us . So many ppl go through this and they need to hear this. I’m glad you learned how to overcome this. I agree a inconsistent parent is worst than a non existent parent in my opinion. You expect more from them. One minute they are there and the next their not. They are only there when it’s convenient for them . I would rather them not be there at all because it hurts more when you know them and you know they don’t want you or they say things that a father should never say to their daughters . But anyway, you are so right you just have to learn to accept them for who they are , don’t hold a grudge just move on with you life and forgiveness is key ! Great Topic !!❤️

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s