12am

 

It’s literally 12:58am and I’m eating shrimp alfredo. That nap I took earlier was well worth it. I’m up and I’m thinking about my future heavy. My thoughts tend to weigh heavier around this time. I can picture myself in a loft apartment with my cat drinking wine lol. Having somebody there would be nice, but not needed for me to enjoy myself. No no I’m not saying I don’t need anyone, I’m saying I don’t need anyone to have a good time. I’ve never been materialistic so when I think of my future I cant decide what car I want lol. I know one thing I wanna keep keyosha ( my first car). I worked wayyy too hard to give my girl up lol. I know for a fact that my future does not include me working a 9-5 job. I see myself running my own business working for myself. It’s really nothing wrong with working a 9-5 but if you’re unhappy then why settle? If you want to work for a company do so but be the best! Show up and Show tf out. Be the best at what you do so you can live a meaningful life. Me, I know for a fact I have more work to do. I have a dream so big I can barely put it into words sometimes. I can barely piece together every thought. That’s the beauty of dreaming, is seeing yourself there already and that’s already half of the fight. “The dream is free the hustle is sold separately”. I will work my ass off to get what it is that I want. I think where I am not is finding my why. I know what I want to do. I’ve starting doing it but why I’m doing it is what I’m battling right now. Why do I want to blog? Why do I want to inspire? Who am I doing it for? What is going to give me that extra push? These are daily thoughts that I have in my mind. I think my biggest road block right now is that push! I’m not sure if I’m looking for it else where or if I’m just scared. That saying goes “everything you want is on the other side of fear”. I think I’m scared that it wont work out, scared that I’m doing this all for nothing. As much as I know I’m not I’m still scared. Another thing I need to do is jump and give this my all. Not half of me, not a percentage, but 100%. If you’re going to fail, fail big! Damn I’m actually motivating myself right now. Truth is we’re all a little scared of something.

It’s 1am and I’m thinking about the people that did deserve an ounce of me. Those are the people that helped me grow so how can I regret them. To all the people who didn’t deserve me and they know who they are. ( You’re Welcome) You came across a real one with a genuine heart and you didn’t know how to handle someone being genuinely real and nice. I learned a lot from those people, they will take take take and leave when it is no longer beneficial. Truth is I realized tonight I don’t even hate anybody. Hating someone requires energy that they absolutely don’t deserve. So no I don’t hate anyone, I simply don’t fuck with you. I wish people well from a far because I really wanna see everybody win. I’m thankful for the people that I didn’t appreciate, the people that came into my life and actually cared about me. Sorry I wasn’t thankful sooner… But I appreciate you.

 

It’s 1:18am and I’m still typing, still thinking. I wonder what my future spouse is out there doing? I wonder what my future kids will look like? I wonder how our relationship is going to be? I wonder how many kids I’m going to have? I wonder if ill have a successful marriage? I wonder if I’ll be close to my brother? I wonder if our kids will grow up together? I wonder what kind of grandparent my mom will be? I wonder if Zoe will still be alive? I wonder if I’ve already met my soul mate? I wonder if anyone thinks of me at 1:18am? I wonder….

 

It’s 1:21 am and I’m about to edit and finish this alfredo lol.

Alliyya…

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